Withersin’s Damned Interview with:

MP Johnson

At the moment, I’ve got a stomach ache and a sore throat. I don’t usually get sick, because I drink a lot of orange juice. I have a lot of sick time saved up at work, so I thought I might as well use it. No sense in going to work if I’m going to spend half the day in the bathroom. Also, I live in Minneapolis now. I used to live in Wisconsin. I write music reviews for Razorcake magazine and monster stories for lunatics.

List published works:

I’ve had stuff in Bare Bone, Cthulhu Sex and a lot of other magazines. You can view my full biography at my website.

List website: www.freaktension.com

How can we contact you? freaktension@yahoo.com

In your own words, define Withersin.

Well, there’s Sin, and then there’s Withersin. If Sin was a man, then Withersin would be a man with knives in both hands. Furthermore, Withersin would be more cunning conversationally. He would also have a healthy disregard for traditional counting methods, like 1, 2, 3, 4… Instead, he would be crazy and go with 1.1, 2.7, 3.4… Then he would knife you.

If you were a sideshow act, what would you be?

The very best sideshow act. Something new. Perhaps a cross-dressing werewolf that shoots flaming arrows into the sky and then catches them in his fangs when they come back down. All fire, fur and pink mini skirts.

What is your greatest non-literary influence?

I’m not going to pick one, because I don’t know. Maybe my grandpa, maybe car accidents, maybe forts I built in the woods when I was a kid, maybe life in general. Either that or the Misfits.

Describe your most irrational fear.

All of my fears seem perfectly rational when I’m feeling them. Like when I used to drive over a certain bridge in Green Bay, sure that the slightest breeze would send my car flying off the side. Sure, it may seem dumb, but only because nothing bad happened. But how do I know that I didn’t actually prevent anything bad from happening because I was so scared that I drove really slow, shrunk down in my seat to keep the weight as close to the ground as possible and did everything I could to stay on solid concrete? It wouldn’t have seemed irrational if I had washed up in the river the next day, I can tell you that.

How about your most guilty pleasure?

I don’t really feel guilty about any of my pleasures. I mean, if I took pleasure from biting the ears off of children or from locking monkeys in my towel closet, maybe I’d have something to feel guilty about. I’m not going to feel guilty because I like to listen to Christina Aguilera. Actually, now that I think of it, I do like vandalism a lot. Maybe I should feel guilty about that. I don’t do it much anymore, though.

Name the most disturbing nursery rhyme/fairy tale you can recall.

Babies falling from trees.

Do you eat meat?

Fuck no. That’s a perverted question.

What were the skies like when you were young?

Always blue. I know this because I spent more time looking at them.

Name your favorite garden tool.

My grandpa used to make these elaborate traps to keep rabbits out of his garden. Various funnels of wire mesh and wooden gateways. They were more about form than function.

Name your least favorite color, first job and worst job.

I don’t think there are any colors that have really rubbed me the wrong way.

My first real job was supervising outdoor skating rinks in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

My worst job was my short tenure as a substitute teacher. There was a bit of an uprising that I was unable to put down. Guinea pigs were thrown. Pencil sharpeners were smashed. It was a mess.

Favorite:  Author, Movie, Music Group, Song, and Quote.

I’m not a big fan of picking favorites, but here are some things that would be pretty close:

William S. Burroughs

Videodrome

Misfits

Hybrid Moments

“Steal all my toilet paper, will you? he hollered, I’ll show you midgets… Somebody come help me, else these midget bitches are liable to make off with every sheet in town.”

If you were a loaf of bread what kind would you be?

The kind that gets slathered with peanut butter and enjoyed at lunch.

Weirdest news you have read in your local newspaper:

I don’t read the local newspaper because it doesn’t have any weird news. Just bullshit reports about local ice skating contests and disputes over where the damn light rail is going to go. Who has time for that nonsense?

Why horror?

Because that’s what comes out of me.

Here's a photo. (seen on Interview main page)

“INEDIBLE NOT INTENDED FOR HUMAN FOOD”

You have 112 words. Go.

I just saw this truck pulling out of a school parking lot. I couldn’t tell if it was dropping off or picking up.

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